Once my son was born, the midwife tried to latch him on the breast for his first feed and he did not co-operate. Being a first time mother, I just went with what she was doing and tried to help where possible. She ended up hand expressing some colostrum and syringed it up and fed my son that way. Afterward I showered and could hear him crying his new little lungs out so when I was finished I came out and attempted a feed all on my own. Well he latched on instantly and fed for about 10 minutes and was soon satisfied and sleepy.

The next few days I had some trouble getting a good latch, mostly on my right breast. At times he would seem to be on well, but then I would feel pain and my nipple would not be the optimal shape. Midwife after midwife would hand express and syringe, causing agony and cracked nipples (coupled with the bad latching) and every feed became a toe curling, breath holding, painful experience. I tried numerous styles of holds and would have to latch on and take off, latch on and take off over and over to try and get a good latch. Once I was home I had a home visit from a midwife who looked him over. Almost instantly she recognised he had tongue tie. I was so surprised that nobody had picked it up yet! He had the typical signs, heart shaped tongue whilst crying and bad latching even though he had a strong suck. We booked in for the following week to have it cut (after careful consideration… tongue tie may affect not only breastfeeding, but speech development later.) We were able to get in when he was 2 weeks old which meant it was a matter of putting a numbing gel on the frenulum and snipping it back with scissors. It was very hard to see it happen and know he was in pain but it was over quickly, hardly any blood and he only cried for a couple of minutes.

We had some improvement after that but the pain and cracked nipples continued. He would have blood in his spew from my nipples and I reached a point where the pain was getting all too much. Now I had begun our breastfeeding journey, however, I could not bring myself to give him a bottle. I considered nipple shields but worried that would start breast refusal because it was so much easier. I visited my local health nurse and she watched us feed and gave us some pointers. He was now getting a perfect latch but I was not holding him tight enough and because his tongue was short it was easy to slip off the nipple. That combined with a very strong suck meant he was often slipping back and only getting the nipple in his mouth but would continue to suck like mad so it was causing a lot of damage. I started to put a big pillow under him and held his neck the entire feed and things slowly improved. My nipples healed and feeds got much easier and more enjoyable.

We went through a few patches of oral and nipple thrush which again was quite painful but after what we persevered through in the beginning, nothing was going to slow us down! At 10 months I discovered I was expecting our second baby but decided to continue to breastfeed as long as he would take it. I did however start offering some formula during the day time to help with morning sickness and tiredness. At about 11 ½ months, the morning sickness was getting all too much and I had 2 separate bleeds in the space of 2 weeks. I decided it was time to stop breastfeeding. So when he hit 12 months I stopped the morning feed and replaced his night feed with cows milk. He didn’t complain and didn’t even ask for the boob so I was confident that the decision was a good one. Not having to worry about the morning feed anymore meant that I could get up and be sick without worrying about him crying for the boob lol.

In hindsight I wish our journey could have been longer, but I am also very happy to have reached 12 months. I am now 8 months into my breastfeeding journey with my daughter and have no plans of stopping or slowing (or any babies for a while) so hopefully this time we will be continuing until my daughter decides she has had enough. We have not had any issues this time around other than thrush thankfully. I can see why so many women give up on breastfeeding in the early days, it would have been an easy and (physically) painless solution but I am so glad I stuck it out, it took many tears but it was worth it.

In January of 1995 I underwent a breast reduction surgery taking me from a DD down to a small B. My surgeon told me that he would make every effort to preserve nerves and tissues that would still enable me to breastfeed in the future, but that there was a possibility that I would not be able to nurse future babies. At 19 I was not thinking about the future and really didn’t think it was a big deal either way. I just wanted the reduction to look good, and it did.

When I had Jasper in 1999, I did produce milk. He was a very healthy baby and avid nurser. My nipples cracked and bled. I cried every time I tried to nurse him. I knew I had milk but had no idea how to nurse him. I was in the Navy living in IL and had not read any breastfeeding books and didn’t seek out resources to help. I figured it would come naturally. I blamed my surgery for changing the shape of my nipples, causing an unnatural latch and thus the pain. I gave up after about two weeks and encouragement from my husband (at the time) to just give him some of the formula the hospital had sent home with us. Watching him gulp down the formula I was sure I had been starving the poor little guy for several weeks.

In 2000 I was pregnant again with Julia. I had picked up a copy of Spiritual Midwifery and was now very interested in natural birth and childrearing. I wanted to try breastfeeding again. I regretted not trying harder with Jasper and visited a lactation consultant. She assured me that there was nothing wrong with my breasts. She said that there wasn’t any reason I couldn’t breastfeed Julia when she was born.

Julia was born early as a result of an induction because of a premature rupture of my membranes. I fed her breastmilk from a spoon for a few days because she was so sleepy. My lactation consultant visited me during labor and right afterwards as well, encouraging me to tell the hospital staff I would be using kangaroo care rather than letting them keep her in the nursey. Together we couldn’t get Julia to latch. I was scared of hurting her.

After about three days in the hospital, a pushy RN told me I needed to get Julia to latch or they were going to give her formula. I was upset and said I didn’t know what else to do. She grabbed my left breast in her hand and pushed the babies mouth wide, and shoved us together. Julia latched and that was that. I couldn’t believe it. I am thankful to her to this day for her help. So I was breastfeeding, but then within a few days I had sore and scabbed nipples again. I visited the lactation consultant yet again. She checked Julia’s latch etc. which was fine. I suffered through it for a few more weeks.

Then we got thrush (probably from the antibiotics given to me during my labor with Julia to combat the GBS that I most likely didn’t have). Scabbed nipples plus yeast! Ick. It was misery. Still I tried to stick with it, and around 6 weeks, Julia started crying with intensity every evening. She would cry and I would cry too. My husband gave her a bottle of formula (again, sent from the hospital). I felt like a lousy mother. Here I was, intersted in midwifery and homebirth and all of this natural stuff, and I couldn’t even figure out how to breastfeed without bawling every time I did it.

Several months later I was diagnosed with post partum depression. I started taking medication which helped tremendously but breastfeeding was finished. I continued my studies of midwifery as a hobby, but my own self doubt left me thinking that I might not make a very good midwife. I didn’t have faith in my own body. How could I realistically expect to identify with other women, and encourage them to have faith in theirs? I don’t think that every midwife has to have had a homebirth, or breastfed or even have given birth at all to be a good midwife. But for ME to be a good midwife, I felt I would need to experience all of those things for myself.

Emma came along just three months ago, in 2009. I took a different path with my pregnancy and birth this time. I hired a midwife. I forced my husband to watch The Business of Being Born. I took my prenatal care into my own hands, eating carefully and faithfully taking herbal supplements four times a day to prevent GBS and to strengthen my membranes to prevent the premature rupture I had experienced in two of my pregnancies. I meditated and talked to my unborn baby about how to be born. I read and re-read several great breastfeeding books.I read every article on kellymom.com. I also joined breastfeeding support forums on babycenter.com, which really showed me how incredibly commom sore and cracked nipples are and started thinking that maybe I was just one of those people, that for whatever reason, just get sore and cracked nipples. It didn’t mean I was doing anything wrong. It didn’t mean that I had a bad latch or that that I was holding the baby wrong. It didn’t mean that I was a bad mom who couldn’t figure out how to do something that society tells us should come naturally. It just meant that I get really sore from breastfeeding 20 hours a day, and that was it.

So when Emma was born, I stuck her on the boob and that is where she stayed. I cried, I broke down and sobbed as she nursed! I had prepared my husband for the things I would say. I told him that the word “formula” was NOT to be uttered around me. I nearly gave up. I got mastitis. I was miserable. I was raw and exhausted. A girlfriend came to visit and realized how much pain I was having, and the next day (Thanksgiving Day!) dropped off a coulple of silicone nipple shields. Sweet relief! Why had I never tried these before? The lactation consultants and books I had read said these were a big no-no. But I figured better use them, and at least try to see if they would help, than quit again. I had been afraid of using them, but they saved me. I used one on my sorest nipple for a few days, and then weaned myself down to a few times a day, then only at night…until I didn’t need them at all.

Now, thirteen weeks later, we are going strong and I can finally say that I LOVE breastfeeding. There isn’t anything wrong my body. It took me seventeen years to figure that out, but better late than never.

When my daughter was born our first feed went pretty well, I was very relieved as I have one flat and one inverted nipple so knew there was a chance that I’d have some trouble, she also had a retracted lower jaw, which means she can’t open her mouth quite as wide as most babies. However our next feed, and all of them after that were not so good. Mackenzie could attach to the flat nipple ok, but not the inverted one, and the midwives at our hospital were terrible, each one would give you conflicting advice and instead of coaching they would snatch my daughter and my breast and force them onto one another, one midwife did this and wouldn’t listen when I said she wasn’t attached properly and when she finished I had a big blood blister on my nipple. Another midwife tried to tell me I was starving and dehydrating my daughter and that they had to give her formula. I refused this though and at that point remembered something my sister had told me “If you have any problems ask for a lactation consultant and don’t listen to anybody else”. I didn’t even know if the hospital had one I’d never heard of one before but at this point asked to see one. The midwife tried to refuse me but I insisted and sure enough a lactation consultant was provided.

To begin with we tried using a breast pump to pull my nipple out but when this didn’t work she gave me a nipple shield and said that the midwives would probably try to tell me that you can’t use a nipple shield before your milk has come in because the colostrum is too thick but this isn’t true and she will get some out. This worked wonders on the inverted nipple and the other nipple she was ok with, I thought my troubles were over. The next day my daughter was admitted to the special care nursery to be observed as she’d turned blu on me and they had me feed her every 3 hours and then express to make sure she was getting enough milk because she had dropped a bit of weight (perfectly normal in the first few days I thought). The midwife who’d tried to give me formula turned the breastpump on full ball on my good nipple and tore it to shreds, there was blood everywhere and over 12m later you can still see where the big tear in my nipple was. It was so painful I couldn’t feed from it so had to use the nipple shield on that side as well. Then to top things off I developed an infection in my uterus which the midwife ignored so I ended up very sick and on an antibiotic drip for a few days. It was so painful I could barely move, every time my daughter needed a nappy change it would take me a good half an hour to get up and do it, plus breastfeeding her was made so much more difficult. They also took a sample of my breastmilk for testing at this time and discovered that on top of everything else I had mastitis.

Finally I got through all the infections and was able to go home with my new baby. When I got home I began suffering from sciatica, which made it very uncomfortable to find a comfortable position to sit in, to feed Mackenzie. I would have to sit on 3 pillows on the couch then I had another 3 pillows arranged on and around me to assist me to hold and feed Mackenzie. To rub more salt in the wound a friend came to visit with her 10mo breastfed baby and of course when she fed her it was so easy and quick and painless it reduced me to tears. She assured me she suffered to begin with and it would get easier but I couldn’t foresee it. I continued to suffer from multiple infections and bouts of mastitis plus a case of nipple thrush (OUCH) for the next few weeks and was constantly on antibiotics, which of course went through my milk causing Mackenzie to have a very upset tummy and lots of diarrhoea. Through all of this, and I can’t emphasise just how painful it was, not feeding was never an option. I never thought of giving up feeding or switching to formula cause it would be easier. Instead I just became more determined to stick it out and it was going to get easier if it was the last thing I ever did!

I decided early on that I wanted to feed for a minimum of 12m or until I got Mackenzie off the nipple shields – whichever was the longer of the two (I’ve since changed my mind and am now well on the way to 2 years old) because I absolutely hated the nipple shields. They took so long to fumble with to get on which meant my daughter would be getting quite distressed, plus many people had never seen or heard of them before so they attracted quite a bit of attention. I tried a few different ways to wean her off them but she wouldn’t touch my nipples without them. I hated that it had to be so difficult – why couldn’t it be easy for me, like it seemed to be for everyone else? One night I went along to a friends church thing with her and they had a parenting room there where about 6 mothers sat feeding their babies with ease, I was so jealous. I went home so angry and upset, but also all the more determined and funnily enough Mackenzie must have picked up on this because she didn’t even try to fight me then next time I tried to feed her I didn’t even have a shield nearby just in case. She latched on like we’d been doing it like this all along. We never used a shield again I was so happy I sat there and cried for hours – happy tears of course.

I continued to suffer with the infections and mastitis (I had a severe oversupply of milk which was in no hurry to settle down) for the next few months but finally somewhere between 4-6 months it all finally settled down and I was able to enjoy what was now a wonderful, easy breastfeeding relationship with my beautiful daughter. I developed post natal depression and had to go onto medication during that time and was very apprehensive about doing so whilst feeding but it was either that or no medication, giing up the breastfeeding has never been an option, even now when contraception has become an issue (I can’t take the mini pill) I would rather go without if necessary then stop feeding her.

She is now 14mo and still feeding wonderfully, giving her her precious boobies is the best part of the day I sit down, relax and cuddle her, it is so beautiful – like nothing else in the world. I still suffer the odd bout of mastitis – for example if she has a few night feeds in a row then sleeps a full night I’ll wake up very sick but that’s ok, I recognise the signs and my dr is very good about getting onto it early. My plan now is to feed her until at least 2 – give her the chance to self wean but I don’t know if I can go that much further – we’ll see I originally thought I’d only go 12m and I quicklychanged my mind on that. I have seen so many girls/women I know give up early on claiming they “couldn’t” breastfeed when in actual fact they just want their babies to sleep through the night or because they got a small crack in their nipple and it hurt too much, this makes me very sad – especially when I fought so hard to continue to feed Mackenzie. It also makes me feel very sorry for the people who really can’t feed because they would probably do just about anything to be able to and get a bad name in certain circles because of other people. If I could tell new mums anything it is to perservere as much as you can, it really is worth it. Somedays you may question that but I am so proud of myself and my daughter and I are so close as a result of it, I’m so, so glad I did.

Cheyenne joined me on the ward for the first night but the next day she had a bath, lost all her body heat, went hypothermic, then blue as she stopped breathing. It was the most terrifying moment of my life as she was all wrapped up next to me and it was my husband that noticed her colour. If he hadn’t been there she would have died. She was put on oxygen and under the heat lamps in the SCN. A feeding tube was inserted as she would fall asleep only a minute or so into a feed. 

I was told the amounts I needed to express and also told that if I didn’t get those amounts then she would be given formula. There was no way I was going to allow her to have formula so I was determined to express every drop she needed. That proved a challenge in itself. My breasts stubbornly refused to give up the colostrum via a breast pump even though there was more than enough there so the only option was to hand express. After trying and failing to do it myself the midwives did it for me. Those first few days were difficult. The expressing hurt me as the midwives were having to be very firm to get the milk out (darn stubborn boobies!) and I felt a little stripped of my dignity. After a few days my milk came in properly and I was able to start expressing with a pump which was a huge relief to me. I managed the whole time to always get enough milk to avoid formula or bottles. 

When Chey was four days old the tube was removed and I started to breastfeed her. The pain was toe curling and though I had all the midwives helping me the pain never went away. I kept being told to get more of the nipple into her mouth but she was so tiny and could only get the nipple and a small part of the areola in. Day six and Chey joined me on the ward. I was told that if I could keep her awake for full breastfeeds for 24 hours I could take her home. I made it through and even though the breastfeeds were still agony for me I kept quiet because by this stage it didn’t feel like anyone was going to be able to help make it better anyway.

We went home on day seven with one of my nipples cracked the entire way around the base. At home I used lansinoh after every feed and just put up with the pain. It got to a point where my husband couldn’t be in the same room with me when I fed as I would be crying from the pain the whole way through and he couldn’t stand to see me in so much pain. By the end of the second week I couldn’t take it anymore. I phoned my friend and told her I was sending Leigh down to buy some formula as I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. I had seen several midwives who all told me she seemed to be attached just fine but the pain never went away. My nipples were bleeding and hurt when anything brushed up against them no matter how softly and I was starting to get scared of the feeds. 

Julie told me to just hold off for a bit. She arrived at my house 15 minutes later to a crying me and a screaming hungry 2 week old with a nipple shield in hand. She showed me how to use it and I sat down to give it a go. It had pain (but less) for about 30 seconds as my nipple was pulled into the shield and then nothing but a dull ache from the crack. Things improved from there, my cracked nipples healed within a week and we fed well. A couple of times a week I would try feeding her without the shield but every time it was pure agony for the whole feed and I still visited with lactation consultants every couple of weeks. They told me that her attachment was fine (without the shield) and that if I didn’t start feeding without the shield that it would adversely affect my milk supply. I told them what I told anyone who asked, it’s the shield or formula. 

At four months everything just clicked and I was able to feed without the shield, it was awesome and I felt as though I had just been biding my time and THIS is where my breastfeeding journey was going to start. A month after this the two of us got thrush. That was yet another challenge as even though we were both being treated it seemed to come and go but never really went away. I felt like razor blades were being drawn across my nipples. We battled through for two months before it was finally beaten. I think it would have been harder to take and easier to give up if I hadn’t already been through everything that I had. By this stage there was no way that I was going to give up breastfeeding regardless of the pain. I did express some milk to give myself a bit of a break but Chey flat out refused to take a bottle so I just rode it out until things got good again. 

By seven months breastfeeding was everything I imagined it would be. I loved doing it and Chey loved it as well. Thankfully we had no more problems and she self weaned at 13 months. I would have liked to continue for another couple of months at least but I was not devastated about it, just a bit disappointed. By that stage I was only feeding her once a day in any case. 

I am so grateful to my friend Julie who really single-handedly saved me from giving up in my darkest moment. If she hadn’t come to my rescue I know this would have been a much sadder tale.

My gorgeous wee man was born at 37 weeks exactly. His suck was excellent despite being early and we tried to feed straight away. During the first few days I had a lot of difficulty latching him and blisters and sores started appearing on my nipples. I was sure this wasn’t right and asked for some help, but everyone said I was doing fine and to continue.

We went home from hospital to have him taking up to 30 minutes to latch at most feeds, him screaming, me with tears running down my face. The pain became more and more at each feed. On about the 7th day I rang my midwife because I just couldn’t do it anymore. She advised me to express to give my nipples a break, so we began expressing all feeds and bottle feeding EBM.

By the next morning (I think) I was shaking all over and nearly collapsed on the floor. Beginning of mastitis bout, number one. This was horrid. I couldn’t do anything apart from sit up in bed to express and eat and drink a bit. Thanks to my mum and husband who were there to bottle feed the expressed milk. I got better, but my nipples were still red raw and there was no way I could latch. So I expressed day and night for another week then began to try relatching him.

This was excruciating! Eventually I managed to get him latched with nipple shields. We both gradually managed to get into a rhythm with feeds and make some progress. He took over an hour to feed each time and it felt like I was doing nothing else!

Now, the pain was still excruciating over this whole time! At every feed it felt like needles and glass were cutting my whole breast throughout the feed. After the feed it felt like acid had been poured on my nipples and I would have severe shooting pains through my breast for hours. Needless to say we didn’t get much sleep! The pain was so bad I couldn’t wear clothing! So I was essentially at home the whole time. I think I bought every single breastfeeding product I could find (shells, shields, creams, pumps etc).

I then managed to get another 2 episodes of mastitis. More pain, more antibiotics. We were still using the nipple shields. But at least I was still feeding!

It took weeks to convince people this pain was not normal. I had been told to just get on with it and it couldn’t possibly hurt that much. FINALLY a lactation consultant suggested I may have thrush.  The thrush took over 6 weeks to cure. I had creams, then weeks of nystatin tablets, nothing worked. I finally got prescribed fluconazole tablets and my pain started to subside.

I finally got all the infections sorted enough to brave weaning from the nipple shields. It took another few weeks of gentle coaxing, tricking, encouraging, along with screaming and tears to teach my baby what that nipple felt like again!

By 12 weeks we were finally managing to feed without nipple shields and with much less pain!!

Then came the saga of an unhappy baby with blood in his poo!! It eventuated he was intolerant to cows milk and I then had to go onto a dairy-free diet. That lasted until he was over one! By about 14 months I could eat small amounts of dairy but he could still only tolerate breast milk. Thank goodness I had managed to feed him!

Anyway, here we are now, coming up to 21 months old. We are still breastfeeding.  My wee guy loves his “milkas” and this mummy feels like she has managed one of the best, but hardest accomplishments in her life!! I love the moments we have together feeding and the wee smiles and giggles looking back up at me! Oh yeah, and we have been pain free for more than a year.