My 1st daughter, Isabela, was born on May 3, 2002 via c-section.  I remember being so groggy from the pain meds. but I demanded to have my baby so I could nurse her during that 1st crucial hour after birth.  I held her up to my breast and she started nursing right away. It was beautiful!  I nursed her for 45 minutes before they took her to the nursery so I could get some rest. I nursed her every 3 hours- just like the books said to do- and wrote every feeding down on the schedule card the nurse gave me.  My milk came in on day 3 and Isabela was back up to her birth weight when we went home 2 days later.  I loved nursing my baby. I loved holding her in my arms, skin to skin, rocking and singing to her as she nursed for hours. But things soon took a turn for the worse. I had an overactive let down and Isabela gagged and vomited every time she nursed.  She had terrible gas from gulping so much air and would cry in agony from the pain.  She also had colic.  She would scream and refuse to eat for hours every night.  One night I broke down and gave her a bottle of espressed breast milk.  She chugged down the whole bottle and fell asleep for 12 hours.  The next night I gave in again.  After a few days she would no longer take the breast. She would scream and arch her back and thrash her head around until I gave her a bottle.  I felt like a failure. How could this have happened?  I read all the books and took the class at the hospital where did I go wrong?  I  refused to give up.  Maybe she would not take my breast but I could still give her breast milk.  From that day on I pumped every 3 hours during the day.  I even pumped while driving and on an airplane!  Thankfully I had an abundant supply and I was able to pump and feed my baby girl until her 1st birthday when I quit- because that is when all the books said you should stop.

When I became pregnant with my second child I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  I swore that I would not give this one a chance to get used to a bottle because I would not offer one- ever.  On January 20, 2006 I gave birth to another beautiful girl, Olivia.  Just like Isabela I got to nurse her within the 1st hour after her birth and just like her sister she nursed beautifully.  She nursed on demand and I did not use the schedule card they gave me.  But problems arose again, this time before we even left the hospital.  Olivia was an aggressive nurser.  She would attack my breast and suck so hard that my nipples cracked and bled.  It was so painful to nurse her and my milk was taking forever coming in.  The LC kept telling me I needed to give her a bottle of formula after she nursed because she was losing too much weight. I cried and refused.  I was so upset thinking that our breastfeeding relationship was over before it even began. How could something so natural be so hard?  Later on that day the LC came back in and asked me to massage my breasts to see if we could get any milk to let down. So I did and I squirted her right in the face!!!  We both laughed.  She then convinced me to squirt some formula on my breast to get Olivia to latch on and start nursing and it worked.  When we went home my breasts felt so deflated and Olivia cried so much. I tried pumping but got nothing.  I ended up giving her a bottle of formula.  It was a terrible decision.  I reminded myself that I was going to tough it out and not resort to the bottles.  The next day was terrible but I did not cave in.  She cried and cried but I kept nursing her all night long.  This went on for a couple nights and finally she slept for 4 hours and I woke up with a soaked bed!  I was finally engorged with milk!  Olivia was always a fussy baby, she had colic and refused to eat but I knew that it was not because she was hungry.  She had colic and there was nothing I could do but try and soothe her. I found that if I gave her a pacifier until she calmed down I could take it out of her mouth really fast and replace it with my nipple and she would eat until she fell asleep.  She soon because dependant on my breast for everything. She would nurse for comfort, nurse when she was upset, nurse when she was shy,  nurse to fall asleep. She woke up many times during the night and had to be nursed to fall back asleep. I was so tired that I began to resent nursing. I could not wait until she was 12 months so I could wean.  Then that say came. Olivia’s 1st birthday.  I was ready to wean but she was not in any way ready so we  continued.  She was still waking 2 or 3 times a night to eat and I was still exhausted.  When Olivia was 16 months old I started getting back spasms. I had to go to the hospital and get a morphine shot and was prescribed Percocet for the pain. I was told that I could not nurse while on the pain meds.  I had no idea how Olivia was going to handle this.  When I got home from the hospital all I could do is lay in bed in pain. My husband had to take off work to take care of the girls.  Olivia tried several times to nurse but I would not let her. She cried and cried for days. Finally, a few days later she fell asleep in my husband’s arms and slept the whole night!!  When I was weaned off the meds I tried to nurse her again but she would not take it.  My husband and I laughed and he said to me, ” Never thought she would give it up that easily.”

On November 30, 2008 I gave birth to my 3rd daughter, Eliana.  The 1st time I nursed her it felt different than it did with Isabela or Olivia.  It was calm and peaceful, relaxed, unrushed.  I knew that second that everything was going to be different this time around.  I was right. Ellie was a patient nurser.  My nipples never became sore or cracked. My milk came in right on time. We came home from the hospital and things remained the same.  She nursed on demand.  She never arched her back or fussed at my breast, she never refused a feeding, she never had colic, she never even cried!  We co-slept and neither of us had to fully wake to nurse, we just got things started and fell back to sleep.  Now she is almost 6 months old and has never sucked an artificial nipple.  She is 100% content with mommy’s breast and is happy all the time!  I love the bond we have formed and I will not put a time limit on our nursing relationship.  She can nurse as long as she wants.

For me breastfeeding was not something I was able to learn by reading books or taking classes. It was a learning rollercoaster with ups and downs and twists and turns but at the end of each ride I came out knowing more than I did when I started.  Breastfeeding was not always easy but I am proud to say that all my girls were given mommy’s milk- even if one only drank it from a bottle :)

Then my daughter was born.  For the first day, she latched on great (after her initial confusion, during which the lactation nurse simply shoved my breast into her mouth) and fed for 20 – 40 minutes at a time.  But that night when we got home, she never seemed satisfied, and she cried all night.  My husband and I both tried to sleep but were exhausted.  Nothing helped.  I ended up cuddling her on the couch around 7 am so my husband could sleep, talking to her constantly and allowing her to suck on my finger (the only thing that quieted her).  When he got up at 8, he ended up giving her formula.  I hated it but she was hungry and I didn’t have any support and didn’t seem to have any milk.

We continued supplementing (but still breastfeeding) for the next day or so, until my milk came in.  I remember going to bed one night with my breasts feeling shriveled and deflated, and waking up to them being very full.  Unfortunately, they were so full and my milk flowed so fast that my daughter could not nurse properly.  The hand pump didn’t get anything, and I didn’t have access to anything else.  One day, when she was 4 days old, I tried to feed her every 15 – 20 minutes but she would just latch on momentarily then pull off and scream.  Not knowing anything about breastfeeding or babies, I figured she was just not really hungry.  After 12 hours of this, she just cried and cried.  I didn’t know what to do and I called the nurse.  She said to feed her however I could, if I could pump and use a syringe, fine, if not, give formula.  I still didn’t have a pump so I gave some formula the hospital had given us.  She drank 3 oz. and immediately fell asleep and I felt like a horrible mother who couldn’t even feed her baby.

After that she got formula through the night so I could sleep, and the next day we went and bought a double electric pump.  This worked well and I got 10 oz. the first time.  I continued to try to nurse every few days but she would just scream.  So I decided I would just pump and feed, because at least she would be getting breastmilk.

This worked for awhile, but then I couldn’t pump enough (even though I was pumping every 2 hours during the day and every 4 – 5 at night) for her.  She seemed to want to cluster-nurse in the evenings, but still wouldn’t actually nurse, so we had to give her about 2 oz. of formula every night.  I hated it.  But I hated her crying even more.

Finally, just before she turned 6 weeks old, I decided that enough was enough.  I would not supplement anymore, and I would get her to latch on for real.  One day I upped my pumping as much as I could to get rid of the supplementing (which worked!) and two days later I sat down and latched her on.  Miracle – it worked!  I finally realized that I had a really strong letdown, and she could not deal with it when she was so little.  At 6 weeks, she could.  She could also nurse lying down (finally!).  Everything fell into place.

We never supplemented or had to pump again (although on rare occasions if I needed to pump, as I worked from home a few hours a week, she would take a bottle still).  But, then there was the pain.  For about a month it hurt so badly I wanted to cry every time I nursed.  I could not stand anything brushing against my nipples, even my soft bra.  By the time they stopped hurting after a feeding, it was time to feed again.  I used tons of cream, and cold patches, and took lots of baths.  In time, it was better.

But around this time, I started to feel very weak, and my joints started to hurt.  Every time I nursed I felt like my “essence” was being “stolen.”  As crazy as that sounds I felt like every bit of energy I had was being sucked out.  I had stopped taking my vitamins late in pregnancy due to constipation that led to bright red cervical bleeding (and therefore preterm labor risk, so my doctor said) and hadn’t started again.  My joints got more and more sore, until my knees, elbows, and wrists hurt so much that I could barely walk or even pick up my daughter.  I was sick all the time and I just felt awful.  I was determined to make it a full year but I just felt so horrible that it seemed impossibly far away.

Finally I thought that maybe I should try taking my vitamins again to see if that would help.  And it did!  Magically, in just a couple of days the joint soreness was gone, I was no longer sick, I had energy again.  From here on out, breastfeeding was easy!  For real!

When my daughter was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant again.  I had heard horror stories about losing one’s milk supply within just a few weeks and I prayed that would not happen.  I had done a lot of researching, and although it initially sounded weird to me, I wanted to keep nursing through pregnancy and then tandem nurse.  I was determined to allow my daughter to self-wean.

Between 11 and 12 months, she went through a period where she did not want to nurse very much.  We were nursing 4 times a day, upon waking, before naps, and before bed.  But suddenly she’d refuse to nurse at those times (except morning).  I was sad but kept offering to see what she’d do.  I knew I wasn’t losing my milk, I constantly checked.  Just after her birthday, she changed her nursing behavior significantly – becoming a comfort nurser for the first time, and wanting to nurse where and when and how SHE chose.  Which became very frequent.

I passed each milestone with apprehension – 4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks.  I didn’t lose my milk supply.  It didn’t even seem to go down at all.  We’re now at 21 weeks, and my daughter is almost 14 months old, and we are still going strong!  I am excited to continue to nurse her when her little brother (yes, brother!) comes along, as I am anticipating that it will help greatly with sibling rivalry.  I am so glad that I got through those early struggles, because nursing is the BEST mommy tool that I have, and I believe it will continue to be invaluable.  And as a small added bonus, continuing to nurse throughout pregnancy means that I will not experience the soreness and adjustment to breastfeeding the second time around!