Due to the fact that Jayden was breech, I was scheduled for a caesarean at 39 weeks. I had the most wonderful birth experience and was back in the room to greet my husband and new baby within a few hours. I was elated, and could not believe this perfect little person was created by us.

After an hour or so back in the room, we tried to breastfeed. Jayden was still so sleepy and didn’t attach or seem at all interested. Fair enough, he was just yanked out of my belly unexpectedly (in his mind) so I thought we’ll give him some time to wake up.

Jayden didn’t wake up properly for a good few days and was quite unsettled as my milk didn’t come in properly until day 5 due to the caesarean. He was very hungry and not getting much at all because he was too tired to feed – what a vicious cycle it was, so hungry because he was too tired to feed, but too tired to feed because he was so hungry. I had the ‘baby blues’ moment early on day 5 when the midwives decided to give him formula with my EBM (what I could get!) – I felt horrible as formula was something I wanted to avoid at all costs. I reluctantly agreed, as I had to look after my little man as he had lost 430g (over 12% of his birth weight) and was getting jaundiced and very unsettled.

I will always remember the moment when I was attached to a double pump at 4am, trying to express what little milk I could get out, whilst feeling like the biggest jersey cow. I watched with tears streaming down my face whilst a midwife (a total stranger, in my eyes!)  was feeding MY baby. Why couldn’t I do that? What made my body so incompetent that I couldn’t do the one thing that nature intended it to do?

The pump must have done its job, as later that morning my milk came in, and I suddenly resembled a Dolly Parton impersonator. Unfortunately, we now had another problem in that because my breasts were so engorged, he couldn’t attach properly. Nevertheless, I continued to try and offer him the breast at regular intervals.

I had a light bulb moment later that day. After seeing how Jayden quickly demolished the bottle of formula, and now that my milk was in, I decided to try expressing again and feeding it to him in a bottle. All the staff were supportive of this idea, so I got pumping – and the liquid gold flowed.

Now came the biggest test – would Jayden drink it? Yes – he would! You have no idea the amount of relief I felt knowing that I COULD feed my baby MY milk – okay, it might be through other means other than my nipples, but he was still going to get all the lovely liquid gold and nutrients that I was producing for him.

So on it went – I expressed every single feed for my 2-3 hourly fed baby for the first 5ish weeks of his life. Looking back now I think how hard it actually was (especially when my poor husband was trying to sleep next to me with the breast pump going!), but at the time it was just something I had to do for Jayden.

I would always offer the breast to Jayden before the EBM, in the hope that he would attach and feed. The day that he actually attached properly, and I saw him happily sucking away was one of the best days of my life. I nearly jumped off the chair – in fact I would have, if he wasn’t still attached!

This could quite easily be the end of my story, happy ending right here. However, we had another spanner thrown in the works when Jayden was about 14 weeks old. One day I woke up – and suddenly had no milk. After having a fabulous supply with fast letdown, it was just suddenly gone. I couldn’t express anything, and Jayden couldn’t get anything out! I tried to keep Jayden on the breast all day to stimulate the supply, but the poor thing was crying, I was crying, it was just a horrible, horrible day.

Thankfully I was able to get to the Doctor who prescribed some Maxalon which worked straight away, and we were back on our breastfeeding journey again. Phew!

Now THIS is the happy ending.

Jayden is now 14 months old – and still breastfeeding. :)

He was exclusively breastfed until just after 6 months old when we started solids, has been demand fed otherwise. He currently feeds morning and night, and during the day 1-2 time before sleeps.

My initial goal was to get to 6 months, then 12 months and now…we’ll see. I am not going to put a timeline on it; I am just going to let our little man decide when he’s had enough.

It could have been so easy to give up, especially when faced with professionals who didn’t see the big deal about offering formula. I am so glad I didn’t though; I love the bond Jayden and I share when he is feeding, it is like our own little special time together.

I am so glad that I persevered and I feel very proud to know that our little man has been given the best start to life that I could possibly provide him with.

My son is now 23 months and I am 7 months pregnant, much to many peoples horror and my delight (with the odd bout of when will it end), the breasts are still doing their job. I am still breastfeeding on demand and looking towards tandem feeding.

I do understand however, breastfeeding is not for everyone, and some people physically just can’t get it to work. These women should not be vilified by hospitals and the like.

I am just happy my itty bitty titties actually came to the party flat nipples and all!

My second son was a normal pregancy until, at 33 1/2 weeks we discovered that my fundus had shrunk 2 cm over a 2 week period. After a Non-Stress Test and High-level Ultrasound, we discovered that the amniotic fluid was almost gone, the cord wasn’t feeding him anymore (it had a backflow), and he was tiny. They did an emergency C-section within 45 minutes. He was born 2 lbs 10 oz. I started pumping right away, and saved up tons of colostrum for when he was ready for his first feeds. After a few days of ventilators, a shot of liquid surfactant for his lungs, etc. we started focusing on his food situation. From the beginning, his only source of food was sugar water through an IV, and he lost 10 oz, dropping to just 2 lbs. When he was ready, they introduced a gavage tube (naso-gastric) and started with 1 ml at a time of colostrum. After some setbacks and tummy troubles, we worked our way up to the point where we could take out the IV and just keep increasing the tube feeds, a little at a time. We also finally got to start practicing breastfeeding! At first we just let him suckle and explore, but once he started trying to actually eat at the breast, it was pretty obvious that we’d be needing the shield again. We could only breastfeed a couple times a day, because it wore him out a lot more, but at least I knew that all his bottles were my milk. For awhile they had to add HMF (Human Milk Fortifier) to his bottles, to bulk up on the particular nutrients that he needed extra of, and to add calories. We finally got to take him home at 5 weeks old, still weighing less than 4 lbs. At home, I just kept pumping, nursing, and gradually reducing our bottle usage, and within weeks, he was all breast. We also used the nipple shield till about 3 months, just like with my first. He’s still very happily nursing at 20 months old, and he’s still tiny (almost 19 lbs), but his growth curve is steady and normal… just way below the charts, since he hasn’t done a “catch up” growth spurt yet. But he’s thrived on my milk, and is developing wonderfully.

My 1st daughter, Isabela, was born on May 3, 2002 via c-section.  I remember being so groggy from the pain meds. but I demanded to have my baby so I could nurse her during that 1st crucial hour after birth.  I held her up to my breast and she started nursing right away. It was beautiful!  I nursed her for 45 minutes before they took her to the nursery so I could get some rest. I nursed her every 3 hours- just like the books said to do- and wrote every feeding down on the schedule card the nurse gave me.  My milk came in on day 3 and Isabela was back up to her birth weight when we went home 2 days later.  I loved nursing my baby. I loved holding her in my arms, skin to skin, rocking and singing to her as she nursed for hours. But things soon took a turn for the worse. I had an overactive let down and Isabela gagged and vomited every time she nursed.  She had terrible gas from gulping so much air and would cry in agony from the pain.  She also had colic.  She would scream and refuse to eat for hours every night.  One night I broke down and gave her a bottle of espressed breast milk.  She chugged down the whole bottle and fell asleep for 12 hours.  The next night I gave in again.  After a few days she would no longer take the breast. She would scream and arch her back and thrash her head around until I gave her a bottle.  I felt like a failure. How could this have happened?  I read all the books and took the class at the hospital where did I go wrong?  I  refused to give up.  Maybe she would not take my breast but I could still give her breast milk.  From that day on I pumped every 3 hours during the day.  I even pumped while driving and on an airplane!  Thankfully I had an abundant supply and I was able to pump and feed my baby girl until her 1st birthday when I quit- because that is when all the books said you should stop.

When I became pregnant with my second child I was determined to make breastfeeding work.  I swore that I would not give this one a chance to get used to a bottle because I would not offer one- ever.  On January 20, 2006 I gave birth to another beautiful girl, Olivia.  Just like Isabela I got to nurse her within the 1st hour after her birth and just like her sister she nursed beautifully.  She nursed on demand and I did not use the schedule card they gave me.  But problems arose again, this time before we even left the hospital.  Olivia was an aggressive nurser.  She would attack my breast and suck so hard that my nipples cracked and bled.  It was so painful to nurse her and my milk was taking forever coming in.  The LC kept telling me I needed to give her a bottle of formula after she nursed because she was losing too much weight. I cried and refused.  I was so upset thinking that our breastfeeding relationship was over before it even began. How could something so natural be so hard?  Later on that day the LC came back in and asked me to massage my breasts to see if we could get any milk to let down. So I did and I squirted her right in the face!!!  We both laughed.  She then convinced me to squirt some formula on my breast to get Olivia to latch on and start nursing and it worked.  When we went home my breasts felt so deflated and Olivia cried so much. I tried pumping but got nothing.  I ended up giving her a bottle of formula.  It was a terrible decision.  I reminded myself that I was going to tough it out and not resort to the bottles.  The next day was terrible but I did not cave in.  She cried and cried but I kept nursing her all night long.  This went on for a couple nights and finally she slept for 4 hours and I woke up with a soaked bed!  I was finally engorged with milk!  Olivia was always a fussy baby, she had colic and refused to eat but I knew that it was not because she was hungry.  She had colic and there was nothing I could do but try and soothe her. I found that if I gave her a pacifier until she calmed down I could take it out of her mouth really fast and replace it with my nipple and she would eat until she fell asleep.  She soon because dependant on my breast for everything. She would nurse for comfort, nurse when she was upset, nurse when she was shy,  nurse to fall asleep. She woke up many times during the night and had to be nursed to fall back asleep. I was so tired that I began to resent nursing. I could not wait until she was 12 months so I could wean.  Then that say came. Olivia’s 1st birthday.  I was ready to wean but she was not in any way ready so we  continued.  She was still waking 2 or 3 times a night to eat and I was still exhausted.  When Olivia was 16 months old I started getting back spasms. I had to go to the hospital and get a morphine shot and was prescribed Percocet for the pain. I was told that I could not nurse while on the pain meds.  I had no idea how Olivia was going to handle this.  When I got home from the hospital all I could do is lay in bed in pain. My husband had to take off work to take care of the girls.  Olivia tried several times to nurse but I would not let her. She cried and cried for days. Finally, a few days later she fell asleep in my husband’s arms and slept the whole night!!  When I was weaned off the meds I tried to nurse her again but she would not take it.  My husband and I laughed and he said to me, ” Never thought she would give it up that easily.”

On November 30, 2008 I gave birth to my 3rd daughter, Eliana.  The 1st time I nursed her it felt different than it did with Isabela or Olivia.  It was calm and peaceful, relaxed, unrushed.  I knew that second that everything was going to be different this time around.  I was right. Ellie was a patient nurser.  My nipples never became sore or cracked. My milk came in right on time. We came home from the hospital and things remained the same.  She nursed on demand.  She never arched her back or fussed at my breast, she never refused a feeding, she never had colic, she never even cried!  We co-slept and neither of us had to fully wake to nurse, we just got things started and fell back to sleep.  Now she is almost 6 months old and has never sucked an artificial nipple.  She is 100% content with mommy’s breast and is happy all the time!  I love the bond we have formed and I will not put a time limit on our nursing relationship.  She can nurse as long as she wants.

For me breastfeeding was not something I was able to learn by reading books or taking classes. It was a learning rollercoaster with ups and downs and twists and turns but at the end of each ride I came out knowing more than I did when I started.  Breastfeeding was not always easy but I am proud to say that all my girls were given mommy’s milk- even if one only drank it from a bottle :)

Hamish was born after a long, 38 hour labour that ended in and emergency C section and a hemorrhage on the table.

Over the first two days in hospital I actually thought breastfeeding was going okay.  By the third day it became apparent that his attachment was not right. He was going yellow from Jaundice and my nipples were super sore and sensitive. The pain was unbearable every time he sucked. Numerous midwives and LC’s tried to help but every time he went on, no matter what position he was in, even when it looked like it was right, it was complete and utter agony! Eventually a nurse had me express so that he could get some fluid, the unusual thing was even on the pump it was agonising. There was clearly no friction on the  nipple, yet the pain was awful. She told me that it must be my nipple tendons stretching out, as I have very flat nipples.

So with this in mind I kept feeding him through the pain, thinking that he must have been on correctly even when it was hurting. I was sent home from hospital everyone thinking we were fine. We weren’t fine at all and I was becoming more and more emotional as the pain continued. I couldn’t stop crying and I was so worried that everyone would think I had postnatal depression, I felt like a complete failure and started to feel like I didn’t really want to be a Mum at all and that I had made a huge mistake.

After only 2 days at home my nipples had scabbed over so badly that they were completely hard and brown. I couldn’t handle him sucking any more and I moved him on to expressed milk in a bottle. This to me felt like I had descended into the depths and couldn’t believe that I was unable to make it work. I was unable to express without blood coming out of my nipples, mmmm, pink milk! I remember one day when I had the nurse visit she convinced me to have a go at feeding him again. Poor little fella was so confused about being constantly taken on and off that he would scream and scream and the next time he came off so did the scab and I could see it sitting on the back of his tongue as he wailed with his mouth wide open before he swallowed it. I just wanted to curl up, put the pause button on and sleep for a few weeks, then press play and start again.

So we continued to express and bottle feed. The scabs healed fairly quickly but the pain I was still feeling was terrible. No one could tell me why, until one day my lactation consultant asked me if I had any spasms in my nipples? I said no, not really understanding what she meant by spasm. I felt periods of intense pain between feed but didn’t know this is what she meant. Anyway so she then said “oh it’s just that there is this thing called Nipple Vasospasm where your nipples go white and you have these spasms which can be very painful”. The bells started ringing and I explained to her that I did get this blanching of the nipple and had done all through my pregnancy. In fact my nipples had always been very sensitive.

Nipple Vasospasm is the same thing as Raynaud’s Phenomenon, which is when the blood vessels constrict, which can cause a lot of pain. People often have this in their fingers and toes when it is cold. I myself have it in my toes and as it is hereditary most of my family have it also. Unfortunately I get it in the nipple as well. So this explains the pain. The poor attachment is then caused by the fact that I could not tell if he was on correctly. It hurt either way. Sometimes I would pull him off thinking he was on wrong and my nipple would be a beautiful shape, other times I would think I was only feeling the pain from the spasm and he would be totally mincing me up!

I tried all of the recommended supplements and techniques that are supposed to help and  was even prescribed medication. Nothing put a dent in the pain. Sadly I continued to express and bottle feed, every week thinking it would start to ease. After 10 weeks of this I had all but given up. I purchased a double electric pump, which cut my expressing time down by almost two thirds and formulated my plan.

In order to keep going I decided that I had to have an end in sight. I decided that if I could express full time for 6 months and store any extra I could get out in a deep freeze, then after 6 months I would introduce a formula feed at night. I would continue to express as much milk as I could and then hoped that by about 10 months old I would have enough stored milk to feed him through he was 12 months old. This plan made me feel as though I had some kind of control over the situation and made it easier to deal with. Luckily I had no problems with milk supply and it simply pored from me. My stores started to mount up and I felt for the first time a sense of success over the breastfeeding process.

When Hamish was about 3 months old he started to sleep very badly. I became more and more tired, stressed and run down. It was then that I began to have problems with blocked ducts and an oversupply of milk. Nearly every single feed there would be blockages. Some would come loose at the next expressing session and others would stay put for days. The pain was great and I began to feel very sad that I was hating the whole process again. From time to time I would still try and give Hamish a feed. He was a good boy and would usually oblige. Often he was able to loosen a blockage that the pump could not and my beautiful husband and I gave him the name, ‘The Lumpinator’! No matter what I did I was not able to feed in any ongoing way. I tried to feed him once a day every day but this rarely worked for more than 2 days in a row and frequently there were weeks and weeks between him feeding from me.

For some reason my boobies just had no system to the amount of milk they would make. It seemed that the more tired I was the more milk they would make. The lumps and blockages were continuous and very painful. When he was about 5 and a half months old I came down with my first bout of Mastitis which saw me in hospital for 2 nights on intravenous antibiotics. After this episode the incidence of blocked ducts was reduced by quite a lot and I wonder if I had a very low grade infection that whole time? A few weeks after that, for some reason, my Vasospasms started to become slightly more mild. I was able to feed Hamish once a day every day for a couple of weeks. I was so happy and from then on I slowly introduced more and more feeds. Over the next 3 months I increased his breastfeeds till I was only expressing last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I can’t tell you how much this improved my life. I wasn’t tied to home every few hours in order to express and I was feeling like a real breastfeeding Mother. I think the act of Breastfeeding was a huge part of what I thought being a Mum was.

Since Hamish was 9 months old, I have been feeding him all on my own. He is 14 months old now and I can’t tell you how happy I am. I have had 2 more bouts of mastitis but nowhere near as serious and only several blockages. I still have the Nipple Vasospasm but it is so much more bearable than it used to be. I still experience pain when I am feeding him but the spasms between feeds are so much less and over all I am able to do it with very few problems. During all of my problems I felt very helpless, I had much support from my partner, Mum and friends but deep down I really felt a failure. Now that I have some hindsight I see that what I did was a really good thing for Hamish and I am so proud of myself. There were many times that I wanted to give up but I am glad that I was determined and continued to success. I am also thankful and proud of my little boy who was always so flexible, swapping from bottle to boob and back again, and who will now not even take a bottle.