Before Layla was born I felt quite strongly that breastfeeding was natural and important but also thought that I had to get my head around the fact that it may not work for us. I think this came mainly from my sister having trouble and switching to ABM at three months with her first baby. Also because my Mum had bottle fed myself and one of my sisters. She fed my youngest sister for nearly 12 months though so I was hoping that I could do the same. I joined the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) at the urging of my mentor yoga teacher and went to the breastfeeding class at the hospital to prepare. Deep down I wanted to make it to two years but was outwardly preparing for the possibility that I may not.

After Layla was born we were left to ourselves for a couple of hours and she eventually made her way to the breast about an hour after birth. She was smallish at 2.7kg but apart from having no idea what to expect I thought we were doing pretty well. About two days after birth it was recommended that she be comp fed due to jaundice and weight loss while in hospital. She had one cup, 30ml, before it clicked to me that I could be using my own milk. No-one suggested to me that we could use EBM to comp her feeds though so I’m very thankful that I knew enough to suggest it myself. The comping was recommended by a paediatrician who had not even seen her! I was able to access an electric pump in hospital and don’t think I had to worry about storage because it was used within a short time frame. Before leaving hospital I called my local ABA group and organised to pick up a pump on the way home. Once home I continued to pump for a few days but had to return to hospital due to high blood pressure. This was within the first week of being home so I continued pumping in hospital. Once home I continued breastfeeding and giving EBM sporadically.

During the first three weeks, on top of my extra time in hospital, we had grandparents and family visiting from interstate. At the time I didn’t think much of this but in hindsight can see that it affected my establishment of feeding. As well as feeling unsure about breastfeeding and doing it in front of people there were family dinners that we attended and lots of visitors. I can clearly remember thinking we were in a hurry so she could have one breast now and one when we got there. Two years later she still liked to have both sides at a feed so that was never going to work for her! When the MACH nurse visited at three weeks Layla had only gained 50g in 11 days bringing her to 2.6kg so had not regained her birthweight. I was devastated at this visit to hear the nurse refer to Layla as ‘scrawny’ when she rang to book us into the Day Stay Clinic. I called the breastfeeding helpline several times during this period which gave me ongoing reassurance but the most helpful thing I was told was to feed and feed and feed! The counsellor shared her experience with me and suggested I try feeding at least two hourly, basically trying to do nothing but feed for a week and see what impact that had at the next weigh in. So I set myself up on the couch with the phone, fruit, water each day as I worked my way through a DVD boxset of my favourite show. When she was next weighed at four weeks there had been a gain of 120g. For the next couple of months we went through weekly/ fortnightly weighs and Layla continued to have consistent but small gains. During this time her length increased steadily at about 1cm per week and head circumference also increased. She stayed under the third percentile until nearly six months at which point she continued to gain weight in the same pattern until she reached close to the fiftieth at nine months. This then steadied out again and she has been tracking along happily at about the thirtieth percentile ever since. I froze the excess expressed milk in ice cube trays then stored them in labelled bags. It meant that I always had some on hand and came in handy for adding to solids when the time came.

It was a tough time with quite a few times when I questioned my ability to feed her, questioned my confidence in breastfeeding and felt that it was all too hard. Positioning and attachment became the centre of my world and I developed an understanding of the let down reflex and how the breast works that I only thought I’d learnt about before Layla was born. I can clearly remember the day at about three months when I realised that we had just latched on easily and naturally without stepping through the positioning and attachment process.  It was finally starting to become easy! My husband’s support during this time was crucial as he had faith in me and my ability to give Layla everything she needed.

We initially tried to introduce solids at around six months but Layla wasn’t particularly keen. She was fed on demand so I didn’t push it then at nearly eight months it clicked. We were having dinner one night when she made it very clear that she was keen to join in.  Lots of banging, reaching and squealing! At that meal she at two bowls of mash with veg and never looked back. It didn’t affect her milk intake though. She continued to have about eight feeds during the day, usually two to four feeds between her bedtime and ours as well as feeding overnight two to four times. A total of up to 16 feeds in 24 hours. Around the time she started walking at 14 months Layla upped her feeds even further… She was feeding frequently day and night, up to 20 times in 24 hours. I’m sure it was more some days but I didn’t want to think about it. We discussed night weaning many times and thought about making changes but she seemed to need it and it all seemed too hard when I was so tired. Trying different things like going to bed with Daddy didn’t work either as she just wouldn’t stand for it. She wanted her nummie noo’s and that was that. I was at the point where I could hardly cope with it but kept telling myself it would pass.

At some point during this time her eye teeth both came through together and she stopped feeding for three days. I had no idea as my parenting had so heavily relied on breastfeeding until then. I was totally bamboozled going from all to nothing. Although I found information on how to manage breast refusal in smaller babies none of it seemed to apply to her as she had obviously stopped due to pain. She was still having the odd small feed and I expressed to avoid blocked ducts. We went to visit a friend who is a counsellor one day and I was in tears. Then as suddenly as it stopped she started again. Much easier to deal with than the alternative! We kept rolling along with her feeding day and night. Layla has always increased her feeds before any developmental changes and she had so much going on at that time that I figured it had to end some time. And it did.

By eighteen months Layla was sleeping for 4-5 hour chunks between 6pm-6am and started to sleep in her own bed in our room. When she was nearly two we moved house and she moved into her own room. She was really excited about having her own bed and over the next few months started sleeping through most nights. I also had a miscarriage around this time and felt that she needed to drop some feeds during the day so we got down to about five a day. By the time she turned two, about the same time as I got pregnant, we were only having between 6-8 breastfeeds in 24 hours which steadily declined over the past three months. It has now been two weeks since her last feed which was a lovely snugly morning feed in my bed. I feel blessed to have enjoyed such a wonderful experience with her and to have reached my goal of two years. I also made some wonderful supportive friends who share an appreciation for the magical experience of breastfeeding and were with me every step of the way.

My son is now 23 months and I am 7 months pregnant, much to many peoples horror and my delight (with the odd bout of when will it end), the breasts are still doing their job. I am still breastfeeding on demand and looking towards tandem feeding.

I do understand however, breastfeeding is not for everyone, and some people physically just can’t get it to work. These women should not be vilified by hospitals and the like.

I am just happy my itty bitty titties actually came to the party flat nipples and all!

When I was about 3 months pregnant and she had been weaned for 4 or 5 months, she asked for a feed again.  She had forgotten how to breastfeed and was trying to suck like a straw, plus by that time I only had colostrum.  So it was quick and a bit painful and I didn’t think much about it.  A few days later she wanted to do it again, and from then on it got more frequent.  Sometimes she’d go a week without asking, then it would be constant for a few days.  I could see that it was only going to happen more when she saw the new baby feeding, and decided that we would have to re-learn to do it properly.

She was squashing my nipple just like a newborn, so I decided to go back to the beginning.  We practiced opening her mouth as wide as she could, and sticking her tongue out over her bottom teeth.  We made it into a game and would stick our tongues out at each other.

After she was attaching in the right place, she had to learn to suck again.  I knew that newborns have a lot of jaw movement, so we practiced opening and closing her jaws.  At first I would sit her in front of me and she would do the big mouth and tongue and I would move her jaw up and down, then we would swap places.  Then she would attach and I would move her chin up and down while she was trying to suck.  Then she would try it on her own.  So over a few weeks we got to the point that she could suck again.  It was always a bit painful, but I was never sure if that was because of what she was doing or if it was because I was pregnant and only had colostrum.  We developed a rule that she could only have one feed a day and only one side, so each nipple was only being used every second day.

Once we had the physical side of feeding sorted and it became regular again, I was hit with breastfeeding aversion.  In the immortal words of a counsellor, if I were a cow I would have kicked her in the head.  Even the thought of feeding made me tense up, I hated everything about it.  It made me feel sick I was so tense, and I hated the way it made me snap at her.  I seriously considered weaning, but we had come so far I felt it would be too mean to take it away from her again.  I could see how important it was for her, so I gritted my teeth and trusted that I would be fine with the new baby.

When Joanna was born she fed like a dream and I enjoyed it.  She seemed to be born knowing how to attach and suck, and I never even got a sore nipple from her seven and eight hour feeding marathons in the first couple of days.  I had chosen to stay in hospital for a few days, and one of the reasons was I wanted to get Joanna’s feeding established without Molly constantly asking to feed.  I was so relieved when I went home and Molly’s first feed was painless, although I still hated doing it.  

There were lots of tears and tantrums because she went back to wanting to feed all the time, but looking back that only lasted a few weeks before she accepted that there were limits.  The aversion lasted much longer, it was probably 5 months before it went and I still don’t have much patience for her.  I had to really concentrate on relaxing and make sure I was comfortable and had something to do like a book.  

A year later she has her special time in the morning, she comes and snuggles into bed and has a feed before we get up.  I never thought I would still be feeding her at three and a half, but it is so useful.  When she is sick or tired or out of sorts the magic boobies still work, and I love our special cuddles.  I’m really glad we worked through it and she can still do something that is obviously so important to her.

Then my daughter was born.  For the first day, she latched on great (after her initial confusion, during which the lactation nurse simply shoved my breast into her mouth) and fed for 20 – 40 minutes at a time.  But that night when we got home, she never seemed satisfied, and she cried all night.  My husband and I both tried to sleep but were exhausted.  Nothing helped.  I ended up cuddling her on the couch around 7 am so my husband could sleep, talking to her constantly and allowing her to suck on my finger (the only thing that quieted her).  When he got up at 8, he ended up giving her formula.  I hated it but she was hungry and I didn’t have any support and didn’t seem to have any milk.

We continued supplementing (but still breastfeeding) for the next day or so, until my milk came in.  I remember going to bed one night with my breasts feeling shriveled and deflated, and waking up to them being very full.  Unfortunately, they were so full and my milk flowed so fast that my daughter could not nurse properly.  The hand pump didn’t get anything, and I didn’t have access to anything else.  One day, when she was 4 days old, I tried to feed her every 15 – 20 minutes but she would just latch on momentarily then pull off and scream.  Not knowing anything about breastfeeding or babies, I figured she was just not really hungry.  After 12 hours of this, she just cried and cried.  I didn’t know what to do and I called the nurse.  She said to feed her however I could, if I could pump and use a syringe, fine, if not, give formula.  I still didn’t have a pump so I gave some formula the hospital had given us.  She drank 3 oz. and immediately fell asleep and I felt like a horrible mother who couldn’t even feed her baby.

After that she got formula through the night so I could sleep, and the next day we went and bought a double electric pump.  This worked well and I got 10 oz. the first time.  I continued to try to nurse every few days but she would just scream.  So I decided I would just pump and feed, because at least she would be getting breastmilk.

This worked for awhile, but then I couldn’t pump enough (even though I was pumping every 2 hours during the day and every 4 – 5 at night) for her.  She seemed to want to cluster-nurse in the evenings, but still wouldn’t actually nurse, so we had to give her about 2 oz. of formula every night.  I hated it.  But I hated her crying even more.

Finally, just before she turned 6 weeks old, I decided that enough was enough.  I would not supplement anymore, and I would get her to latch on for real.  One day I upped my pumping as much as I could to get rid of the supplementing (which worked!) and two days later I sat down and latched her on.  Miracle – it worked!  I finally realized that I had a really strong letdown, and she could not deal with it when she was so little.  At 6 weeks, she could.  She could also nurse lying down (finally!).  Everything fell into place.

We never supplemented or had to pump again (although on rare occasions if I needed to pump, as I worked from home a few hours a week, she would take a bottle still).  But, then there was the pain.  For about a month it hurt so badly I wanted to cry every time I nursed.  I could not stand anything brushing against my nipples, even my soft bra.  By the time they stopped hurting after a feeding, it was time to feed again.  I used tons of cream, and cold patches, and took lots of baths.  In time, it was better.

But around this time, I started to feel very weak, and my joints started to hurt.  Every time I nursed I felt like my “essence” was being “stolen.”  As crazy as that sounds I felt like every bit of energy I had was being sucked out.  I had stopped taking my vitamins late in pregnancy due to constipation that led to bright red cervical bleeding (and therefore preterm labor risk, so my doctor said) and hadn’t started again.  My joints got more and more sore, until my knees, elbows, and wrists hurt so much that I could barely walk or even pick up my daughter.  I was sick all the time and I just felt awful.  I was determined to make it a full year but I just felt so horrible that it seemed impossibly far away.

Finally I thought that maybe I should try taking my vitamins again to see if that would help.  And it did!  Magically, in just a couple of days the joint soreness was gone, I was no longer sick, I had energy again.  From here on out, breastfeeding was easy!  For real!

When my daughter was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant again.  I had heard horror stories about losing one’s milk supply within just a few weeks and I prayed that would not happen.  I had done a lot of researching, and although it initially sounded weird to me, I wanted to keep nursing through pregnancy and then tandem nurse.  I was determined to allow my daughter to self-wean.

Between 11 and 12 months, she went through a period where she did not want to nurse very much.  We were nursing 4 times a day, upon waking, before naps, and before bed.  But suddenly she’d refuse to nurse at those times (except morning).  I was sad but kept offering to see what she’d do.  I knew I wasn’t losing my milk, I constantly checked.  Just after her birthday, she changed her nursing behavior significantly – becoming a comfort nurser for the first time, and wanting to nurse where and when and how SHE chose.  Which became very frequent.

I passed each milestone with apprehension – 4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks, 16 weeks.  I didn’t lose my milk supply.  It didn’t even seem to go down at all.  We’re now at 21 weeks, and my daughter is almost 14 months old, and we are still going strong!  I am excited to continue to nurse her when her little brother (yes, brother!) comes along, as I am anticipating that it will help greatly with sibling rivalry.  I am so glad that I got through those early struggles, because nursing is the BEST mommy tool that I have, and I believe it will continue to be invaluable.  And as a small added bonus, continuing to nurse throughout pregnancy means that I will not experience the soreness and adjustment to breastfeeding the second time around!

When my son was born, it took a few days to established a successful latch, and then we were off and running.  I was very lucky never to have issues with mastitis or cracked nipples, and my child loved the three hourly breastfeeding “routine” my maternal and child health nurse advised me to adhere to.

Solids were introduced at 4 months of age, and by around 9 months of age, my son was having three regular feeds a day.  I assumed I’d wean him at around 12 months of age, like all the good parenting books advised.

As 12 months drew closer, I found that I didn’t feel a strong desire to wean him.  To me, he was still very much a baby, so we continued our breastfeeding relationship and I surfed the net to see if there were other mothers “breaking the rules” and breastfeeding beyond 12 months.  I found there were, and many were breastfeeding well into the preschool years, and to the benefit of their children’s health and emotional well-being.  Some mothers were even breastfeeding more than one child at a time when they had subsequent babies.

We were planning our second child and I was inspired by other mothers’ stories of breastfeeding through pregnancy and then tandem feeding – these things sounded like something I would like to do!

When my son was 15 months old, I became pregnant again.  

It wasn’t long before I discovered that breastfeeding during pregnancy could be quite uncomfortable, and sometimes downright painful!  To my secret relief, my son soon cut out his midday feed.  Then at around 17 months of age he cut out his bedtime feed as well.  Over the next month I noticed that he wasn’t interested in his morning feed every day either.  I started to worry that he was weaning, and did some research on the internet.  

I found that many babies cut back or even weaning during their mother’s subsequent pregnancy, but often have a renewed love affair with the breast once colostrum starts to be produced in the third trimester.  I hoped this is what would happen with my son.

When my son was 19 months old he dropped his last feed completely.  

I was both sad that he hadn’t chosen to breastfeed longer than 19 months, and hopeful he would come back to the breast within a couple of months when I started to produce colostrum.  I continued to offer him the breast, but he just wasn’t interested.

Sure enough, in my last trimester of pregnancy I was able to express tiny amounts of colostrum, and I offered him the opportunity to taste it and told him it was sweet, as he’d told me my milk had tasted salty (and I’d sampled it and found it was – since then I’ve come to believe I probably wasn’t drinking enough water during my pregnancy and this caused dehydration, causing the milk to taste saltier).  He wouldn’t have a bar of the breast.

When my son was 23.5 months old, his little brother arrived.  During the first month of my second son’s life, I offered my first son the breast several times, but he wasn’t interested.  After that I was too distracted with the medical needs of my second child and my own post natal depression to try and encourage my older son to breastfeed, I simply assumed our breastfeeding relationship had reached its natural end.

When my younger son was seven months old, so 12 months after my older son had weaned, I was sitting on the lounge room floor feeding him and my older son indicated that he wanted to know what the milk tasted like.  I expressed a bit of milk for him into a cup and he drank it and then asked for more!

The following day, he asked for more milk, and I started to express some more, but he indicated that he wanted to drink it directly from my breast.  I hesitated a moment, he seemed so big now – he was 2.5 years old – and to my mind he was weaned, so it seemed strange that he wanted to breastfeed again after all this time.  I offered him the breast, but he lay there in my lap with his open mouth motionless over the nipple, as if waiting for the milk to flow from my breast like water from a tap.

Realizing he’d forgotten how to suckle, I offered to express milk for him, and he accepted a cup with milk in it.

The following day he asked to breastfeed again.  It occurred to me that for him this was somehow “unfinished business”.  I said he needed to suck the milk out, so he attempted to suck on my breast as if from a straw (ouch!).  I realized I’d have to teach him how to suck from the nipple all over again.  To do this, I put my little finger into his mouth, the way I routinely did with his little brother when he needed to suck for soothing (he had severe reflux and needed to suck even when he wasn’t hungry and would reject the nipple, but he wouldn’t take a dummy, so I let him suck on my fingers instead)…

I had my older son “practice” suck on my little finger and when I could feel that he was moving his tongue the way he would to extract milk from the nipple, I got him to try sucking at my breast.  

The look on his face when his sucked his first taste of breast milk that day was priceless!  His eyes lit up and he fed for 10 minutes.  He was so happy!

I, on the other hand, was a little worried about what people might think about my previously weaned 2.5 year old coming back to the breast 12 months after fully weaning – in particular, what my husband would think!

That night I told my husband about what had been happening over the previous couple of days, and at first he felt our son was taking “a step backwards, regressing”…  I explained to him that I felt our son was actually just concluding unfinished business; that his breastfeeding needs had been interrupted by the pregnancy and he’d weaned because the milk didn’t taste right to him, not because he was “ready” to wean.  I said that felt, for his emotional development, allowing him to finish the breastfeeding relationship on his terms would be beneficial.  Luckily I have an open-minded and compassionate husband who decided to support this turn of events even though it was something completely unexpected for him (and for me too!).

My son weaned completely, for the second and final time, when he was 4 years and 10 months of age, on his own terms, when his needs had been met.