breastfeeding | An unexpected ending – Sara’s story

An unexpected ending – Sara’s story

Posted on September 30, 2008
Filed under: Breastfeeding beyond infancy (2 years +), Breastfeeding through pregnancy, Tandem feeding

When I became pregnant when Reid was two years old, I knew that he would need to keep breastfeeding to get him through the rough times ahead. It had already gotten us through so many rough spots, got him back to sleep at night, smoothed over many bumps in the road. Adding another person to our family was such a large step that nursing could be the one constant that he could hold onto. I knew that it was likely that my milk would dry up during pregnancy, and it did at 16 weeks. Reid kept nursing, though, seeming to know that life was about to change and wanting to stay as close to me as possible.

I guess I had noticed that he was asking to nurse less and less often, but I was certain that once the baby was born he would take it up again. I looked forward to tandem nursing, hoping that the closeness to me would help get this emotional little guy through the tough times ahead. I was unprepared, then, when at 7 months pregnant he asked to nurse, then was unable to latch on properly. He tried a few times, then came off sobbing, “I forget how to nurse!” I didn’t know what to do! I held him and tried gently offering ways to help, but my little perfectionist was embarrassed, and wouldn’t try again. He would ask nearly every day to nurse, then when I would say “okay!” he would just cry, “but I can’t remember how!” Eventually he started telling me that he wanted to try when the milk came back.

When our daughter was born when Reid was 2 years 10 months old, he hadn’t nursed in two months. The first few days after she was born (at home) were so hard for him, and I longed to just hold him close and nurse. To somehow show him that the world was not over, that I loved him, that he was still my baby. Once the commotion died down and my mother left, I went with him into our bed to put him to sleep that night. He asked to nurse, but again could not remember how. He just started sobbing, “I want to nurse, I want to be a baby again, I want to stay little” on and on and on. We sat there, both sobbing, with me rocking him in my arms and holding him close. I wanted all of those things more than he could know, but could not give him any of it. That is, so far, the saddest moment of my life.

I had always imagined that I would nurse my babies until they grew into confident little people, and they would slowly move away from it until one day we would both realize that they didn’t need to nurse any longer. I did not expect it to be so traumatic, to feel that I had stolen something from my baby, to want to give back to him that bond we had shared. Our relationship will never be the same, and of course this is largely because he now has a sibling. I will always wonder, in the back of my mind, if it would have been different if he could have nursed until he was ready to stop. Perhaps this IS one natural ending to a nursing relationship—people become pregnant with a second child, the milk dries up, the first child often stops nursing. I just know that my little baby needed more time, and wish that I could give it back to him.

Filed under: Breastfeeding beyond infancy (2 years +), Breastfeeding through pregnancy, Tandem feeding

Comments

One Response to “An unexpected ending – Sara’s story”

  1. Michelle on October 12th, 2008 2:15 pm

    I know what you mean about the guilt, but I believe that it is a totally natural way to wean. If our babies weren’t ready to wean and share their mother with a sibling, then we wouldn’t ovulate and be able to get pregnant. Both of my older children weaned when I was pregnant with the next baby. My two year old daughter is still nursing, and I didn’t have a period until just before her second birthday. If she’s stopped nursing so frequently that my body wasn’t suppressing ovulation any more, then biologically she was ready for the slow weaning process. We are in the process of adopting a baby, so I guess I’ll be tandem nursing for the first time. I am interested to see how/when my baby weans without the biological changes of pregnancy to urge her along. I mourned when my other babies weaned; I think it’s natural to be sad, no matter when it happens.

Leave a Comment




*
To prove you're a person (not a spam script), type the security word shown in the picture. Click on the picture to hear an audio file of the word.
Click to hear an audio file of the anti-spam word

Subscribe without commenting